A doctor involved in an "on-again, off-again" relationship apparently tried to force her way into her boyfriend's Bakersfield, Calif., home by sliding down the chimney, police said Tuesday. Her decomposing body was found there three days later.
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Public Service Announcement # 17133:
“I’ll slide down the chimney” solution not viable
To be filed with previous Announcement #17132: “I can out-run the cops”
Well folks, it’s happened again. Someone thought they could gain access to the inside of a building by sliding down the chimney. Apparently some people assume that a chimney is exactly the same dimension at the bottom as it is at the top … it ain’t necessarily so.
The top opening of a masonry chimney is typically either a 13-inch square or a 13-inch by 18-inch rectangle. It would take a very small human body to slide down the square opening, but the rectangle looks “do-able” to the average, logically challenged chimney slider.
If you have an ample posterior, you won’t go too far; the same with wide shoulders. In that case (if you’re lucky) your calls for help might actually be heard since your head will probably be just above the top of the chimney.
For the chimney slider who can go all the way, the mother-of-all-wedgies is found at the bottom. Maybe you won’t break your legs as your feet jam into the damper opening, dangling in view to anyone who walks past the fireplace.
The best you can hope for is that your feet land on the smoke shelf, leaving you in a standing position. But that will be small comfort when you realize you can’t bend over or even squat, and your arms, either in the up or down position, will be totally useless.
At this point you can assume that you are fully f**ked. Maybe your next life will be a smarter one.
